One Little Bish!!

written by: The Dapper Monkey

Yesterday on my way home, I was seated on the front passenger seat on some old matatu. On my right is a primary school girl. She can’t sit still. She is moving a lot and is talking to the driver like they are married! She is tiny, she is in class six – I am sure of it – I will explain this a little bit later!

Strange thing is, she talks a lot of sense. Or rather the truth! Not sense… Truth is more like it! She talked all the way home!

“Mbona haukumaliza shule?” she asks the driver at the top of her voice… Her voice pierces through the loud radio like a gunshot through an abandoned farm-house! Everyone in the matatu struggle to follow this conversation!

“Nilimaliza!” The driver answers on hesitated breath!

“Kweli? Na mbona unado kazi ya matatu?” She interrogates with no remorse!

Here is the funny part! The makanga reduces the radio volume with his remote control… It reduces in loud annoying beeps until you can barely hear anything!

“Iko na pesa…” The driver answers fast in distorted speech… He is clearly not comfortable with the rest of the passengers listening in to this conversation… AND IT WAS GOING DOWNHILL!

“Ati?” the little girl inquires! “umesema?” she continues!

“Nimesemaaaaaa, iko na pesa!” the driver answers! More certain of his statement!

“Na mbona haujajivaa kama mtu ako na pesa?” She strikes with her come back

“haha!” the driver laughs! He has completely nothing to say… I can tell from his face he is thinking about something to say… He gets it!

“Hizi ni nguo za job!” He answers with confidence! He had NO idea whats coming his way!

“Uko na manguo mzuri kuliko hizi?” The girl asks… An easy one for the driver!

“Ehhhh… Mob sana!” He answers!

“Na mbona unanuka jasho? ama hio pia ni job tu?” This girl was going too far and no matter how honest she was, she was getting annoying!

“haha!” the driver laughs in embarrassment! He is handling it well… He ignores for a while!

“haujanijibu!” the girl comes from nowhere!! The makanga is choking from laughter!

“Jibu mtoi!” the makanga spits!

“haha!” The driver laughs again! He ignores!

“Ukifika nyumbani uoge sawa!” The girl says and digs into her back pack to unleash a huge tub of Lyons ice cream! She holds it with one hand and digs even deeper to get her spoon… She is digging through the ice cream like a a mad human being… Which she is actually!

The driver decides to ask the kid a question! The man digging his own grave! I am sure he knew better!

“Uko class?” He asks in a smile… stealing glimpses at the child as she gobbles down her ice cream!

“Eight!” she answers confidently! Thats how I know she is in class six! She has ink stains all over her dress. This means she hasnt used an ink pen very long! Her socks and shoes are very dirty meaning she is playful… A candidate at this time of year doesn’t have that much time! She went out and bought a litre of ice cream… I am just trying to prove that she was not ready for the national exam!

“Mamangu aliniambia nisipomaliza primary ntaendesha matatu!” she spit amidst her gluttonous actions! The driver shuts up!

She was already halfway through with the ice cream by the time we got to the campus gate drop off.

At the Campus gate, there’s a couple thoroughly making out on the curb! They are literally eating up each other’s faces!

The matatu stopped here for a while because the makanga had to fit in a huge sack in the boot!

But I think he spent most of his time staring at the two that he forgot his job! Because the sack didn’t even fit at the end of it all!

Two people making out is fine… But this guy had his hands under the woman’s dress… YES DRESS! Her ass down to her toes was food to mine and everyone elses eye… Except I couldn’t see shit! I am blind! Ok maybe the white underwear… Her thighs were pretty dark! Moving on!

Her dress was pulled up till her bra… The guy paid no attention to all the ATTENTION he had attracted! His hands were all over the woman… 4 more minutes of what they were doing and they would have had sex right there and then!! One of this woman’s leg is raised a little bit – as in it was a sex scene! The flickering street light above them didn’t matter to them!

We were there for like 3 minutes tops! What I was seeing was cut right out of a porn movie!

It got to a point the man grabs the woman’s diab! He slides his hand into her undies and from where i was sitting – it was clear! Grab -> Squeeze -> almost yanking it out!

He is eating the woman up… Her neck is being bitten off… Her head keeps on falling back in fast, dangerous jolts… Like she was possessed! Oh, and she is almost tearing the man’s shirt…

All this time, the matatu was in silence… Everyone held their breath… I know a minute percentile was horrified by this… The rest were busy getting erections and losing breath!

Like I said, I am blind, and I wanted to see also… So I kept on moving to focus clear images to my destroyed retina! I didn’t notice I was doing this until the little girl shoved me aside and said in a scary little voice,

“Ni nini na wewe… Kwani Unadhani ni wewe pekee yako unataka kuona!”

Her voice shattered thorough the silence!

My window was up…

She leaned forward and lowered it… then clicked “nkt!” as she looked straight into my eyes!

I have to admit, she scared the hell out of me!

My heart was beating fast and loud – I am not sure it’s from the sex scene or from the fear that had just been instilled by this little monster!

The two were still at it… They did not even think of stopping until the matatu driver came out of the car and threw a newspaper at them!

“Munadhani hapa ni Koinange?” he sput! He got in the car and we sped off…

They stopped sucking each others faces…. But the guy’s hand was still up her ass crack!

The little girl threw her empty ice cream tin out of the window then looked at me! I was ignoring this… Then she tapped me!

“Sasa ni nini ulikuwa unafanya hapo nyuma!? Eh?” She asks!

I didnt understand her question! Ok – I did but it couldnt have possibly meant what I thought it meant!

In her head, I didnt want her to see the sex scene!

“huh!?” I ask in shock!

“Ulikuwa unataka kuona pekee yako?” she asks, catching me mid statement!

The people in the matatu are laughing mockingly! This child was annoying me!

“Si ujibu?” she continues, getting courage from the passengers who are on her side! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!

“Wewe ulikuwa unataka kuona nini?” I ask in anger! One more word from this child and I was going to smash her face on the dashboard!

“Na kwani wewe ulikuwa unaangalia nini?” she asks!

Here is where I am supposed to smash her head against the dashboard!!

“nkt!” I click!

“Usijam…. jibu tu swali!” she continues… I am so angry i want to kill her, but the sad thing is, there nothing I can do… I can’t smash her big head or get into a verbal fight! I ignore the little bitch!

I was held ransom by a class six idiot!

“Hauleti shangwe!” she finished! She got off before I did! Somewhere near Elite Academy!

The little brat had the balls to point at me on her way out… WTF IS WRONG WITH KIDS THESE DAYS!?

The driver was in tears… “tumewezwa leo!” he said mid laughter!


A Dream Come True!!

Screenshot (4)

Did you know that female spiders have set very high standards when it comes to foreplay? let’s call them slay spiders. They demand the males to exercise the “complicated mating dance” failure to which, she dumps him! and as if that is not enough she feeds on him! For some species, males have to place themselves between the female’s fangs to get in the right position for mating and are sometimes devoured upon completing their assignment.

This is undoubtedly the worst case of injustice on a boy child. But since spiders have a ‘web’, they probably have an online platform where they discuss how to liberate the boy spider. The site most likely goes by the name Cyprian wa Buibui……

These are the thoughts that crossed my absent mind in a maths lecture before a notification popped up on my phone
Melanie followed you on Instagram. This was followed by some annoying messages
“Hey sasa Mnati
“long time.. aki si you have grown?”
I checked her profile first before replying. But wait….. is this her? Ms Melanie.. really?
Ms Melanie was my high-school chemistry teacher. I thought she’d never forgive me for making her lose her job. She was the whole package.. she was stunning… she had a genuinely sweet smile with just the right touch of shyness.. her perfect curves.. how do I describe her to you?…. On a scale of 1 to 10.. Ms Melanie was infinity… and such a concentration of beauty should not be legal for a single species. She was like piece of art and guilt ate me up knowing that I made such an exquisite masterpiece go through the pain of being fired, two years ago.

And this is how it went down….

I was in form three, the time was 5:30PM… games time and my classmates were playing that stupid game called ‘chobo-ua’.., For those of you who don’t know what that is, It’s an extremely rough game where the players (and fans) beat you up if the ball passes between your legs. The beating doesn’t stop until the players have broken a few ribs, the collar bone, the rough endoplasmic reticulum and maybe the oesophagas. As a rule, one is supposed to touch a distant object usually next to the earth’s horizon.
I stood by the pitch to witness man feeding on its own kind.. and this is when hell broke loose. I had barely watched the game for a minute when the ugly leather ball rolled and passed effortlessly between my legs! The game stopped and the blood thirsty boys stood there staring at me. By the look on their faces, I could tell they were torn between forgiving this innocent bystander.. or beating the hell of me.. then one of the students shouted

“Ua hako kajamaa!! ”

The thirsty mob did not take time to think that I wasn’t part of the game.. or at least consider me as one of their own. For this particular game one was to either hug the principal or hold Ms Melanie’s boobs for a few seconds. And given the choice between hugging a barking cactus and ms Melanie,…. I didn’t have much choice.

I ran as fast as I could towards the administration block.. receiving blows and kicks.. I had to seek my salvation. My life was flashing in front of my eyes.. Is this how it ends? Some students were throwing stones at me.. the admin block seemed unreachable. I cried to God.I momentarily didn’t feel the pain when I started thinking of all the regrets I had… smoking weed behind the school domitories… sleeping in the school prayer services….or maybe I should have forwarded that long Whatsapp message to ten groups and ten people….But most importantly, I should have told Tine how much she means to me.. how I love her and never want to lose her……… I should have told her that I never see beauty or scent happiness without thinking of her……. how her courageous gaiety has inspired me with joy. She has intensified all colors, heightened all beauty and deepened all delight. I should have told her that I love her more each day than ever in my life before…. how I pray we spend the rest of our lives together… In love, in hate or in doubt…
If we are to disagree during the day, I want to be the one to hold her during the night… she is my beauty, my wonder. she made me feel all kinds if love at once……. <Tine was my girlfriend since … eeer.. yeah. Just two weeks ago…. so don’t get too attached already!!>

but I guess it’s too late for all that love now…. its too late for everything… And It’s true what they say…“IN THE END… We only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have,and the decisions we waited too long to make.So, maybe I deserve to be stoned to pay for it.

The beating didn’t stop. I couldn’t see Ms Melanie. Or the principal…… I ran through the admin block’s hallway.. then I bumped into something.. or someone.. and there she was looking admirably pulchritudinous .. in that perfectly fitting provocative blue dress.. her cleavage and graceful silhouette left almost nothing to my imagination.. and it’s all I had to hold for my salvation..
….. like a hungry predator that had found its prey I pounced on Ms Melanie… I should have grabbed her boobs … but I didn’t.. she hugged me tight as I drenched her velvety soft and luxurious blue silk with my salty distress tears.. I felt her heart beat fast against my chest. She chased the rest of the school away and the boys cowardly ran away. Ms Melanie had a way of showing affection and being equally tough and that made her even more attractive. She held my hand and together, we walked to her office… how I wish we had locked the door that day… I was frozen from both fear and excitement. Her forehead rested against mine as we closed our eyes… shaking under our own breaths.. I gently leaned in and kissed her warm lips. we were unable to contain ourselves.. I held her head in my hands.. lost in our own world I pulled her into a fiery and passionate kiss as we stumbled on to her office couch…This was not the first time…
“Thank you” I whispered in a low and husky voice
“It’s okay baby.. I would never let anyone harm my naughty Mnati” she said smiling and seductively biting her lower lip.
My hands ventured over her curves, exploring. We stared deep into each other’s eyes.. her eyes full of passion and wonder. I nuzzled her neck with delicate kisses. She urged herself to push away, but she couldn’t. Her limp body began to tremble uncontrollably… she let out little whimpers of anticipation that ignited my electric tingles… she lowered her hand down to my pants.. feeling how hard I was against her body… I hungrily let her dress loose. She moaned with desire as I cupped her breasts and caressed her taut nipples.. I could tell she was enjoying every part of it.

“Let’s see how naughty you can get kid”, she whispered between her groans of pleasure
She pulled my pants down to my knees as I licked her all the way down to her belly then to her…OOOH No way!!! The door burst open. I guess the moans were a little too loud. we were caught pants down,literally. Right at the doorstep, there stood a tall bald man in an over-sized suit. He had his car keys in one hand and a terribly shocked wrinkled look on his face.

He was the school Principal!!!

To be continued……

Dear Pregnant Classmate, 

University of Embu, 7:13 pm

I remember the first day I saw you, you were at the back of the long queue at our school mace. You had a half filled bottle of water on your left hand and a brown leather sling bag on your shoulder. I could easily tell you were a first year, just like me. You seemed confused by the new campus environment. You wore a tired look on your face, but that did not hide your raw beauty. Girl, you looked exquisite. Your perfectly fitting blue dress did nothing to cover your knees and clearly brought out your curves, your long black hair fell on your bare back- you were the epitome of beauty.

I had no intentions of eating that evening, but considering the irresistible blonde I was looking at, I had to fall hungry. From the length of the queue, and its slow moving pace, I knew i’d have enough time to hold a conversation with you. I started by complaining about the length of the queue yet I actually wanted it to remain still. You told me your name was Evelyn and that was your first day in campus. I could see the innocence beneath your glittering eyes and like me, you were there to pursue Computer Science. You offered to pay for the food and together, we sat at a table in the corner.

As we ate, you shared your dreams, fears and aspirations. You opened up and damn, I was a good listener. The conversation got deep, we forgot the beef on our plates. We had so much in common, we both laughed, I mean we laughed loudly at our stupid jokes. Its like we had known each other for the whole of our lives. You talked about those ‘silly’ boys you kept on rejecting their calls that couldn’t stop interrupting our conversation. Without knowing it, three hours had already passed. We were both tired and I walked you to your hostels as we continued with our deep conversation.

We got to your room, room 24 I remember, only to find your roommate, Betty had locked the room with that guy from E-sparks club…… you were on exile. Our knocking efforts bore no fruits and we eventually found a solution- you had to sleep in my room in the adjacent boys’ hostels, Mt Elgon Hostels. The bed was quite small for two, but we had no other choice. Having such a lady in your bed was every man’s dream, for me, it was a dream come true. The gods of luck must have been working overtime for me. Together we listened to music from your phone and our topic had now switched to – how mean people can be- from how you spoke, I could tell that whoever that Betty was, you would never forgive her.

12:06 am

Without knowing it, you fell asleep in my arms. I couldn’t get enough of you. You slept like a little baby. Many thoughts crossed my mind…. from how my roommate, Alex, who was already asleep, would brand me a ‘hero’ for getting to the ‘semifinals’ that fast…. to how I was going to make us spend the rest of our lives like this -with you by my side…. to how I wanna make you a grandma to my future grand-children, and to the very least I thought about what my dad had told me, barely 24 hours ,”my son, be extra cautious with campus ladies.” I sank deep in to my thoughts, trying to balance between sleeping and admiring the pretty young thing in my sight. I dozed off.. you pulled yourself closer to me, trying to accommodate me in your arms… our legs interlocked as we played footsie under the warm blankets…. I remember the song on your phone, Austin Mahone’s “All I ever need”

You woke up that early morning and left me a confused man with a peck on my left cheek, I can’t really recall what you whispered to my ear. Deep inside me I felt we had become two great friends….. One wishing they would be more than just friends. Lectures began a two weeks later. I felt us growing super close together. You made me feel like the luckiest first year ever. We reserved seats for each other just in case one of us was late for a lecture…. We held hands as we walked around the school…. the tight hugs against your bubbly breasts, to the sweet goodnight pecks as I left your room. My only pain and worry was that you kept taking me round in circles about the issue of us dating. You went ahead and told me you had feelings for me as well, but I should give you time. You made me believe that professor Dave was your uncle. You assured me that I had nothing to worry about. Sooner than later, you no longer had time for us and the little house parties we used to attend. I guess you liked your uncle – a little too much.

But that is not the reason I wrote this letter. For two months now, I have not seen you classmate. Don’t worry, I’ve been signing for you on the class attendance sheet – just like old times. Your roommate, Betty, told me you are four months pregnant with ‘uncle Dave’s’ child. Unfortunately, uncle Dave denied it and he moved on with another first year (not as gorgeous as you). Evelyn, you wasted my time. I don’t blame you for the choice you made because the heart wants what it wants. Baby girl, you are about to take a turn in your life as you welcome motherhood. Your beauty might be fading, but true love never fades: A man who truly loves a girl should never give up on her. He sticks by her no matter how badly she wastes her life, regardless of the number of children she gets and most importantly, he treats her like a princess…. even if she doesn’t look like one. Unfortunately, that man is not me… that man is your father.
It’s funny how the small choices we make have great impact on us, those we love and to the purely innocent. Now you have greater motivation to be what you’ve always wanted to be. It’s not just about you, it’s now about you and your unborn child.

Dear mother of her uncle’s unborn child, it shall be well.